Letters to You

Life is strange. We want the things we can’t have, and when we get them, we either don’t want them anymore or start to want even more. It feels like there’s no middle ground, and there’s no stopping.

I guess that’s what the Buddha meant when he said life is all about suffering; and desire is the root cause of all our sufferings. That, plus my impending health issues that just becomes more and more prevalent as I get older…Please make it stop.

He told me he loves me. I said it back after a few moments of initial shock. And, I do mean it. I care for him; I miss him when I’m not with him; and the reality is, I don’t feel the desire to seek anyone else. I feel calm and secure with him (my only insecurity stems from my inner demons). It’s scary though and it feels foreign…because it has been so long since I’ve said those words. Since I’ve felt them. To love and to be loved in return, I love him…

But it’s a little strange how certain individuals can still pop up in my mind… That’s the reality isn’t it; you never really can forget or stop loving people you once loved. It’s just in a different form. What once was there, will always remain, just a little hidden in the depths of our soul and surfaces when the soul becomes ignited again…

To You

the-meaning-behind-saudade:

Through the process of growing up and through countless relationships, I have learnt that fairytales are not real and is a concept that is internally embedded in our minds from early exposures to naive generalities. I acknowledge that and accept it completely and sincerely. I’m not looking for “prince charming” nor am I looking for a handsome philanthropist who’s good with kids. I have met countless men who appears to be “tall, dark and handsome” - and what do they have to offer besides such physicality? Wealth, stability and reputable positions? Perhaps. But I don’t want any of this.

I want a relationship that is filled with endless conversations. We may not always agree and we might be so opinionated and so stubborn that we can never come up with an answer. We will agree to disagree; but we will respect each other’s claims. I want a relationship that defies the conventional. Home will be wherever we decide to go - there is no set destination. We won’t need a piece of document to legitimize our commitment to each other, nor do we have to feel guilty about wanting to put ourselves first by not committing to procreation. By not wanting to establish responsibilities for ourselves. 

I want a relationship that is developed from respect rather than from sexuality. I want you to acknowledge the fact that I will never compromise myself in order to be part of a community. I want you to understand that although I may not be around all the time; that it doesn’t make me think or care about you any less. I want you to support me when I say that I want to make a change in society; I want you to be able to give me insights. I want you to look at me as a single entity; not as a possession. I want you to tell me that you’re attracted to me because you find me interesting, and not just mere physicality. I want a relationship where we can bring out the potential in each other. Potentials that we were never aware of. We don’t need to be wealthy in order to be happy because money is nothing if we can’t face society with a sense of self actualization, awareness and compassion for others. 

To you, whoever and wherever you may be. This is what I want, and this is the girl you’ll have to put up with. I’m not perfect, in fact I’m full of flaws. But if you’re willing to take on the world with me - I will always be here.  

What I had forgotten through words, but still rings true

Dearest O,

How are you? How have you been? It’s a strange thing really… I’m writing to you, but it’s more like I’m writing to the ghost or the memory of you. The version I remember the most, stuck in a time when I was so incredibly in love with you. I wonder if you’re still the person in my memory. I wonder if you still have moments where you’d think of me, and remember all of those moments we shared together.

I think I’m ready to love again. The man I’ve been seeing has been patient, tender, kind (yet with a side of brashness), and overall loving. I can tell he really cares for me; and, I’ve come to learn to care for him as well. When I’m with him, my feminine traits reveal itself again. Something I am consistently hiding from other suitors; so I guess it’s different this time. He reminded me of you one time; the first time he came over to my place, he saw the painting of the couple walking in the rain, and like you, he said it looked like the couple was walking into a waterfall…

He brought up exclusivity a month ago, but I wasn’t quite emotionally ready for it. But his patient keeps winning me over. I think I’m ready this time… I know that the next “serious talk” that we’re going to have is going to have to come from me… but I truly think I’m ready this time. I want to love and be loved again. I’m happy with him. And most importantly, I don’t miss him when I’m with him or feel like I can’t reach him when he’s right next to me. He doesn’t need me to “fix” him. Unlike you…

You’re right O - you don’t have to worry about me because I really do know how to find my happiness. But know this, the version of you that I remember so well, is still the love that seems to transcend reality and time. Moving forward, I know I will eventually come to love this man, but I also know that it will not be the type of love I felt for you. And that’s okay, because each relationship is different and there are many forms of “love” in this universe.

But…I’m writing this, because… I just want to finally let go of the memory of you. Nothing can compare. Nothing should be compared. You will always be my muse, my inspiration…

Until we meet again…

What a turn of events in the last little while. In the last 3 months, I have moved, received a raise, made new friends, was involved with 4 men, and am currently progressing with the fourth with the potential of a full on relationship. Everything has happened so quickly, so suddenly, yet…just at the right time.

Life has a way of throwing things at you when you least expect it, but also at the right moments - when you’re ready and semi full with yourself.

I’m not sure where exactly I’ll go with him…but it feels right, and he’s kind, tender and considerate. If you don’t give it a chance, you’ll never know.

It’s like déjà vu. It’s happening all over again - except this time it definitely hurts much less. In fact it doesn’t really hurt. It just feels shitty. How do you fathom why it always end the same way? It’s like adding another one to the books…

It’s strange really. You can receive all the attention in the world, have men vie for you, and simply have all the fun that you can absorb. And yet, still feel like something substantial and inherent missing. I know who I am, I know what I want and I know I’m capable of getting it. But sometimes, I wonder if these men only want me for the way I look, or fetishize over the fact that I’m Asian.

I’m having fun, but I still want love. I’m not a concept or an idealised fantasy. I want someone to love me for who I am. I found it once, I hope I’ll find it again.

Reading old posts and realizing how young and naive I once was. But also realizing how much of a person I’ve grown. I can’t change the past or my past actions, but I can definitely make peace with it. And yes, it sucks that as much as you want to change a person’s perspective - you just can’t, they may be final with their decision. What you can do is apologize, in which you have. 

At the end, the past is the past, and I can not blame myself for my actions. They’re apart of me, will always be apart of me. Do not let the past consume you again - you’ve been over this for years. Don’t let the darkness take you back. Look straight ahead and move forward. Everything looks better in front anyways.

the-meaning-behind-saudade:

Everything that I’m currently working for right now is for my travels. I know a lot of people don’t understand what the hell it is that I’m doing or thinking - and to be entirely honest, sometimes I even question myself. I don’t question myself often; but today, maybe it’s just one of those days. 

I could probably just stick to what I’m doing currently or start job searching for another job that’ll satisfy my ideal. But, I’m not, and I’m not where I want to be in life yet - I know that, and with my capabilities I could probably get them real soon; but I’m not. It’s just, I know exactly what I want; and I even have plans to getting them - but, I’m not starting on them right now because I want to travel, to marvel at the world some more. Yes, going to India and obtaining my yoga training certificate is part of the future; but I’m still travelling - I’ll be away again for a good 2-4 months. It’s a one way ticket baby. Some people say that I can still travel after I settle down - but, that’s a lie. When you settle down, things change, people change, we have responsibilities, we age, we are no longer as active, and what happens is you are no longer a traveller, you are a tourist. I don’t think that would be the case for me, but I’m just being realistic here. 

I know what I want; but, I just don’t know where I want it. I’ve been trying really hard to imagine my life here - and I can - if not where I’m currently living then perhaps somewhere else in North America. But every time I try picturing myself  - something stops me half way from staying happy. And I start doubting myself.  And I wonder what if? I just want to be a self sustaining woman - I don’t know if its my need to prove to others, or the need to prove to myself anymore. It just is, and the honest truth - it gets tiring. It’s like a constant battle with myself. 

Truth is, I really really really want to settle down; contrary to what most people think or see. Settling down - not with an individual (if it so happens, then I’m just lucky), but learning how to stay put, to be stable, to have others around me feel secure, to have others around me stop worrying about me. But the urge to take off…I don’t know what it is, but it’s really strong. I’m easily amused, but I’m also easily bored; and once I’m bored - I feel the need to take off, to change, to venture, to try something new. Sometimes, it’s so strong that it frightens me. I’ve been trying really hard to understand it - and sometimes, I come to the conclusion that maybe I am a wanderer… but I’m too afraid of accepting it, or even acknowledging it because my life thus far is so comfortable that I’m afraid to give it up. 

…And I just don’t want to upset or disappoint my mother. My father never told me this, but it was revealed to me while talking to my mother the other day - he wants me to take off, to pursue whatever it is that I’m searching for, even if it means leaving home and going out into the wild basically. He wants me to find my answers. But, my mom…she doesn’t know it, but I do feel restrain by her. Even though she constantly tells me to go, her actions show otherwise. I am staying because I love her, but I’m also worried about her. I guess, what I’m trying to say is that it’s just very personal - and life is full of choices that are difficult to make. I’m not what I want to be yet, and I’m not sure where I want to be. I want to look for it - but at the same time, I don’t want to completely leave home. Leave…as in it could take years rather than months… I’ve been trying to find a balance between the two, but I’m starting to realize that sometimes….you can only choose one. 

And I wish I had the answers already…

Still relevant to this day…

Isn’t it strange how the latest love story ends up being even sadder and more tragic then the previous one? At least the other one had a chance. This one doesn’t even get one. In fact, this one ends with one party withholding suppressed feelings for almost ten years. Almost ten years of secrecy. And an inability to say “I don’t have feelings for you now” without being on the verge of tears with a deep swallow.

The past really does have a way of haunting you. I can’t help but blame myself for the outcome. “I want the one I can’t have” he once said, I now know what he means…

If I could turn back time, I wish I never been with your cousin. I wish I never asked you to drop me off at his place that one night. I wish I could take the emotional pain away from you, and I wish I didn’t hurt you the way I did. I wish the me then, was the me now.

If it were another place, another time - I wish that we’d at least have our chance together. Just a chance.

Will I ever learn to love someone else, the same way I had loved you?

It’s been a while since I’ve written to you. I’m writing today because I wanted to let you know that I have developed feelings for a close friend whom I’ve known for a while now. It came as a surprised to me. This friend and I, have had some history. He had liked me a couple years back when I was going through my  transition and self doubt period. To make things more complicated - he is  cousin to T, whom I have had sexual relations with, and was the “other girl” for a period of time…  And because of this, things did not progress, and couldn’t of for that matter as I was so insecure of myself. But, despite it all, it seems like something is still bringing us together - there’s many questions that need to be addressed and answered, yet we remain, and have been spending vast amounts of time together. Alone.

When we were reconnected, I had only wanted to be friends, and to make up for the shitty position I had put him in - but I guess, over time as our friendship grew something else also grew…My feelings are still rather uncertain, but I would be lying to say there is none because I do think about him quite often, and spending time with him does make me happy. And, I feel comfortable around him - and I haven’t felt this way in a long long time.. At least, not since you…

I’ve had many partners over the years since our separation, but, they were primarily physical, and I had no problem with walking away from each and everyone of them. But…to be in this position where I feel vulnerable again. That’s really something else. Not to mention the complexity of our relationship. I feel like so much is at stake. As we get older, decision making gets harder as everything is a lot more fragile and serious. You can prep yourself for all you want out of life…but sometimes, you can’t control who’s going to appear, and how you feel about them.

I suppose waiting it out to see where this friendship takes us is the best step at this point. Nothing is concrete, and our friendship is also at stake. I mean, things change when relationships change. And that terrifies me. But what terrifies me more is the prospect of being in a romantic relationship again… And the craziest part is… you’re still one of the first people I want to tell this to.